mauryaelasaiyed

So, on my way to work my car died (last Tuesday).  First it lost power steering, power braking, then stalled. I managed to drive it to a parking lot, and after trying a couple times got it to start, adequately shift out of first gear, and make it to work.  It then stalled in the parking lot.  I managed to look pathetic enough that some of my coworkers pushed it into a parking space.  Then the nice man in the white shirt came, tied it down, and took it away.

I had lent my car to my mother on Monday, because hers was having trouble.  So you know the first thing I did, give my mother massive (and playful) grief for breaking my car.  She bugged my dad till he lent me his car which worked out okay until friday, which is when I finally decided that i wanted a rental car.  Dad was being horribly unhelpful, so I drove myself to the rental car location, signed the paperwork, and left the rental car in the parking lot.  Having one for my each hand is awesome...when they're cookies. it's a bit more than a handful when they're cars.

You want to know what broke in my car? The "internal control unit"...aka, the little computer that makes the car go putt putt putt...went splat.  Now it's in for some repairs i've been putting off forever (someone hit my car when it was parked outside my parents house...PARKED I tell you...they should take the license of the person who was that dumb..their insurance is covering it, no questions ask.)  And I'm driving a cream colored PT cruiser.  I've got a really nice black and white theme going, and it's kind of hot.  But I'm ready to have my normal blue back, it's time, you know?  Ah well, tomorrow's the word.

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My younger brother was up for the weekend, and they were drinking saturday night.  I decided to stay sober that night because i was kinda tired and didn't feel like drinking.  You could say i held my liquor well, i held it so well it stayed in the bottle.  I then passed out like a champ at 1:30.  Apparently i did a bad job as sober host.  On his way to his car (Assumed) stan passed out in the middle of the street. Some kind person didn't run him over, and dropped him on the neighbor's lawn, where he threw up and passed out again.  He kind of stayed there until about 8 am, when he drove off, leaving his hat, shoes, and sunglasses at my parent's house.  I'm just glad that Stan didn't drive.   I have a feeling that he would've killed someone if he'd actually made it into his car.  It could have been tragic...instead it's just a funny story that everyone but me laughs about.

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Class is going well, got a 94 on my first lab exam in A&P 2. First lecture exam is tomorrow, way too early in the AM, wish me luck?

The relevant bits:

Me:  still blonde, still blue eyes, still about 5'6".  I've gained weight, i'm less flexible than i used to be, and i've got bigger boobs than you may remember, but some of that goes with the losing weight

Pets: 
-Austin (short for Australis) who's  a male, apprx 10 month old cat.  He's brown and stripey and has three rants associated with him.  1) Why austin is a masochist. 2) why austin is dumb as bricks. 3) why austin is a pervert.
- Aurora female, about 3 year old cat.  She's cute, sedate and adorable, about 7lbs.  She's a bit standoffish but she's a lap cat at heart.

Location:
Arnold MD in a town house.  My room mate's a big pothead, or was, he supposedly quit for a month, we'll see how that goes.
The front yard has some flower beds that i managed to wrestle into looking decent.  The back yard has some tomato plants, some other plants, but is mostly let grow a little wild, it doesn't like me too much.

Job:
Answering phones for a computer helpdesk at aacc (m,t,w,r evenings, sat morning-3:30pm).  mostly we do alot of password resets.

School:
morning - work time + random times studying.
I'm taking Anatomy and Physiology 2 (6 week summer session, M-F 8am-11:30ish) and Intro to Psych (8 week summer session).  So needless to day, after class, work and studying, i'm completely exhausted and my only day off (really) is sunday.

(date approximate)

She doesn't own a dress...Well she wants to be the queen.

I was speaking with bob (okay, typing to him):

me: "I'm feeling oaky."
Bob: "Been doing woodworking..feeling like wood?"
Me: "No, just a misspelling."
Bob: "Ah, under the influence of spirits aged in oak."
Me: "No, but that's amusing."
Bob: "Ah, file under humor."

So, for those of you alumni out there...

we have three pledges
we have two people who've signed bids (And a third who said she's going to by sunday)
so, it looks like a spring pledge class of 5-6 (i rule, er the brothers do)

anyone have advice about fall rush, other than more of what worked for spring rush?

and um, er, I have a little, and she's awesome, and she purrs :)

~Maurya (EI 525)

My first public post in a while...figure I should say somethin. But, I promise no whining today (*crosses fingers* okay i lied)

I'm still alive, which at the moment is a big acomplishment.
Cort (

Do you know, when I look in the mirror, I see my eyes shining bright, bright green. bright with pain, sorrow, confusion, hope, joy, loss, and tears...a million conflicting things all at once, I feel them tumbleing around, not sure which one i should actually pick to feel...I think i shall feel tired...that is easiest of all.

as a sidenote:
I do not write entries for you, I do not write them so that you may pity me, and say oh, poor girl, what a mess she's made of her own life...I write them for me, they are my rants, my thoughts, mostly written when angry/sad or distinctly emotional.
I write them for me, if they amuse you, I am glad, but that was not my intent. if they upset you, I am not happy, but that was not my intent. They are for me... If they convey some meaning to you, then i suppose that is all i can hope for...

~Maurya

Birthdays, birthdays...birthDays. useless things that, what's the point of measuring growing older, if you don't grow up? I didn't, atleast not since i was about fifteen. I'd wake up every morning, in my late twenties, bitter, jaded, apathetic, just growing another day older...sixteen, and driving, having more freedom to leave when things just hurt too much...seventeen and college...eighteen and no longer being a minor...knowing i could leave my parent's house, knowing too that i also had no where to go...still a grown up of my late twenties...tired of trying. just living one day to the next because i had a small (okay, huge) moral objection to suicide...all but giving up.

it's been a while since i've been young. Young enough to dream, to hope, to wish, to _live_...young enough to eat cotton candy in the shower...to see the sunrise, instead of a sunset. young enough to steal secret kisses from the one you love, or even not so secret, with everyone watching. young enough to laugh and giggle and be glad that they're there...young enough for it to not need to be perfect for it to be enough. young enough to love a little ball of fuzz and fluff that's a kitten...young enough to not care that my room's a mess...young enough to be alive.

it's been a couple days that i've meant to post this, but i'm forgetfull when i'm young.

~Maurya

So, i'm home. And in exchange for a nalgene bottle (gift to older brother...he likes them, and there was a new design, kinda nifty...so i bought him one)...i got a tea kettle (nifty copper one, was my grandmother's)...and lady grey tea (yummy, and it's non decaf) found clothing i'd left at home..(yay for black jeans, say it with me everyone, I love black jeans)...what else? i learned my room is used for storage of random things (only 3 so far, some of them large, like this big mirror, so now i see myself falling asleep, is _creepy_.)

And guess what? went out...came back with one still broken cell phone, a candy bar warpper, a black zippo (I finally have my own, and three purple fishnet tops (i called them shirts, and someone corrected me saying anything made out of fish net material could not properly be called a shirt...i believe that they were correct) i'm rather amused...I also aquired a new watch...well it's not new, but it's newly mine. It was left on my desk for almost a year. As I needed a new watch, and it didn't seem to belong to anyone...it's band is dark red leather, about an inch and a half wide... it has a square face, silver around the edge, a 12 and a 6 silver on a white background as well as dashes at teh three and nine...i've become rather fond of it...enough for now.

~Maurya

( Of hearts and such nonsense )

obligatory mood lyrics:

Calm the storms that drench my eyes
And dry the streams still flowing
Casting down all waves of sin
And guilt that overthrow me
But if I can't swim after 40 days
And my mind is crushed
By the crashing waves
Lift me up so high
That I cannot fall
Lift me up
Lift me up when I'm falling
Lift me up I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up I need you to hold me
Lift me up and keep me from drowning again


So, I actually read that copy of Stranger in a Strange Land...funny how I keep comparing it to Brave New World.

You don't recover from a night like this...

Ouch, that kinda stung...twice in the past 24 hours, be nice, i'm tired of being hurt again.

(added in an edit)
I have a copy of stranger in a strange land sitting in front of me, and I just havn't the heart to read it...

Have some mood lyrics:

No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes
No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies
...
No one knows what its like
To be the bad man, to be the sad man
Behind blue eyes.


And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had...


and song #3 on endless repeat

He whispers that he loves her,
but she's probably only looking for...
So much more than he could ever give.
A life free of lies and a meaningful relationship.


~Maurya

So, it's been an interesting weekend. I've decided that I'm going to house meeting tonight...hopefully that'll go okay. I've been up at the house a lot more this week or two, and I'm trying. (As to not be a hypocrite, I told the brothers I'd try, and to be fair, most of them do miss me, so I am trying to do what I said I would)

I guess it still kinda hurts. I love psi u, I really do. but somehow, it's just not what I thought it'd be.

Another thing, I love cort, but he's slowly dieing inside, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. And no matter how much I love him, anything I can be/do will never be enough...I realized this a couple forevers ago...and he seems to think that he's 'protecting me' from something by hiding this fact from me...it only stings more that he'd lie to me and say everything's fine when it's not.

How can you wake up and face someone in the morning, knowing that you'll never be able to make them truly happy, or even be able to lift the depression they're suffering from? How can you fall asleep in their arms knowing that they would be happier if you were someone else? How can you be with someone when they don't even see that you're dieing inside? And lastly, how can one go one if no one notices how dead you've already become?

~Maurya

Sometimes, you just want someone to be there so you can curl up in their lap and let them hold you as you cry...but you don't know how to ask all the people who've pushed you away, and who you've pushed away that you want them to be there for you...that you can't let go of all the history of hurt to just reach out to someone so they can comfort you, and begin healing....and I'm alone, and I know it's my own damn fault....

remind me of a time years ago, when i had a small stained glass piece that i loved, I mean, really loved, it was beautiful, about postcard sized, and it hung on my doorknob, so I could see it whenever I entered my room....and I was so mad, I forget what I was angry about....But I slammed the door, and it was caught between the door and the frame and it burst apart with the most beautiful and delicate tinkling of shattering glass I've ever heard. And in that instant, my anger evaporated, and was replaced by a deep sadness, that something beautiful could only come from the destruction of something I loved....

~Maurya

I give you mood lyrics!

"Some summers in the evening / After six or so / I walk on down the hill / And maybe buy a beer / I think about my friends / Sometimes I wish / They lived out here / But they wouldn't / Dig this town
No they wouldn't / Dig this town"

"She's alone, I'm alone, now I know it"

"And she screams and her voice is straining / She says baby / It's 3 am I must be lonely"

and lastly:

And if I jumped of the Brooklyn Bridge,
Tell me would you still follow me
and if I made you mad today,
tell me would you love me tomorrow?
Please. or would you say that you don't care,
and then leave me standing here
Like the fool who is drowning in despair and screamin'


So...I guess this is how I'm feeling...I feel alone, and forgotten...I don't know how I feel this way, cuz it's not exactly logical...but I feel like promises made to me were broken (some were)...

I feel that people who promised me they'd try to spend time with me, and said they'd come to my apartment to say hi have not done so...people who promised to make time for me...people who promised nothing would change view me as being on the outside...all the little jokes going around, about who will take what office, who will live where next semester...no one includes me in any of the important bits...I just felt so hurt the day I realized that (weeks ago)...I realized that they had just discounted me, however unintentionally, and had already written me off as lost, even before I went inactive. Only one brother has ask if he could come over...I sadly, refused because I hadn't the will or courage to get dressed that day, much less face one of my brothers (I was rather sick, still am I suppose)...I don't know...I've been ask to go to the house, and i've tried...and i'm going now, hurts like hell still. you know why. but people who say they want to talk to me, know how to find me, know how to talk to me...i guess you didn't afterall. if you did, you'd be here with me...

As for my part? I think I'm trying...some people see it, but I'm trying. I guess I'm strangely hurt by the whole thing...But I'm trying.

and in response to the lyrics...if i made you mad today, would you love me tomorrow....the answer is a resounding no.

~Maurya

hehe...

http://www.nationstates.net/

me: The Moiran Islands
region: Vestal Ocean
(typically me on the country name, you know...join in if you feel like it)

~Mauyra

Yesturday and Today have just been too much...infact i think the past couple days have...it finally hit me friday....when i got back to my room in my apartment, I just sank to the floor, my head in my hands. I can't take much more of this.

Oh, and aparently Cort missed his connection in atlanta.
and i woke up this morning, and i think i got sick...i have a killer headache, and my stomach doesn't seem to want to be fed...


Obligatory Mood Lyrics


My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a week's worth of valium and slept
And now he's guilt-stricken, sobbin'
With his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he said

Can't be held responsible
She was touchin' her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I can not remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I can not believe we'd ever die
For these sins
We were merely freshmen



and may the mistakes I make in the future not be as bad as those I made in the past...

I ask him, i begged him to let me go...to just let me be alone...i was tired of being hurt..

he said no, let me try one more time, let me hurt you one more time...I'm not giving up, just let me try, and hurt you more.

~Maurya

I feel so gods damned hurt at the moment... Maybe I'll be able to explain it, maybe not...it starts with friday evening.

Cayci came over, and we were cooking dinner and all that, and she was more polite to my cats than she was to me, which is to be expected i suppose...so thus passed one awkward cooking time and an awkward dinner to follow it...and eventually ending with cayci running off and being (or so i thought) slightly childish...then the bringing of dinner to bob, and cayci running off again (only after physically moving cort away from me as often as possible)...this time cayci ran off because i was hugging cort, more or less...and she kept leaving, and coming back..and eventually she said that she had come to say goodbye, and i told cort he had to go after her, go find her, go take care of her...

no one seems to understand how that hurts, when i make him do what he should, because he loves her...i'm trying, but it's not easy, and it's still never good enough...i tell him i'll wait right where i am, so basically i stay in the same spot for 2.5 hours till the union closes...and then, cort asks if the argument can be moved to my apartment, i say okay, even though this kicks me out of _my_ damn living room...I offer tea, which to me is something sacred...and i offer it to cort and cayci, who's snubbed me and been grouchy at me almost all evening, and her refusal and bland comatose behavior during the entire thing is a huge slap in the face...i offer for her to share in something that's sacred for me and cort, and it doesn't even help, it helped cort i know, but it hurt so gods damned much.

so, yeah, then they left, and saturday, we went to friendly's with bob, not so bad, then 3-3 again with cayci ignoring me and being mean, when i was trying to be nice throughout dinner...then the bus ride, and cayci got drunk and kicked me, several times (i got really really fucking tired of it) then we went on the hayride, cayci disappeared, was found, and had to yell at cort again to do what was right to take care of her...hurt, just a bit... and so then i kinda needed some time to feel better, so i went off for the second time that evening, fell, couldn't really get up, fell asleep...woke up to hear rachel shouting for me...unfortunately i'd told rachel i'd come back if i heard her shouting...and i did hear, barely, but i did, so i had to go back....

and wolf and dillon and rachel and all were taking care of me...cort noticed but did nothing, as expected...ouch. and then, bus ride back, long, couldn't sleep. peoples was using me as a pillow, and i wasn't very comfy. got back to crows, walked rachel home with larissa and wolf before they walked me home...sleep, and a decision that i have to tell cort i can't do this anymore...

next morning, i'm told that cayci's finally ready and willing to try...and doesn't hate me anymore, and she's ready to let go of the pain i've caused her...(*blinks*) and tell them "please, i've died enough for one weekend...can't you two just stop hurting me for one night?" and the response is "its my last chance to physically try" ...(read as, nope hurt once more, because cayci's ready to try now)

and so, i go...and it kinda really hurts, cayci's being all nice and all, and i appreciate that, but after being hurt, spurned, metaphorically slapped in the face for the past two days, it's kinda a little hard to come running back with open arms. everytime i needed someone this weekend, i had to (or felt i had to) push cort towards cayci, leaving me alone, raw and hurt...so naturally the first thing i want to do is go love her...

so, yeah, was an okay time...no one seemed to really feel how much pain and tension there was...cort told me to relax, and i tried, i really did...but still, i think it showed through. it was just kinda hard to see the two of them cuddleing, and i'm nominally a part of it, but it's obvious that she wants just him, and he's content in her lap...i felt so outside of it...so alone, i know that wasn't the intent but that's how i felt....and offers of tea were once again rejected, more politely this time, but rejected for all that....

and then, i was sent away at 4 in the morning...to go slinking back to my apartment, like the whore that everyone was done with......when they were done talking with me and ready to sleep...and i'm once more alone, upset, and jaded...but where are they? content and happy together...i'm tired, i'm tired of being hurt and alone...i have to end this or it's going to kill me more than it already has...and i leave you with the mood lyrics:

you don't want baggage without lifetime guarantees
You don't want to watch me die?
I just came to say
goodbye love goodbye love
came to say goodbye love, goodbye
just came to say
goodbye love...


~Maurya

So...I havn't done a post in a while..I actually sent the care package! I'm not sure if it's been recieved or not, but it's been delivered..w00t!
"Your item was delivered at 6:32 am on October 20, 2004 in TUCSON, AZ 85719. "
nice nice nice, hopefully this will help things a little, somehow i doubt it..so, contents of care package for those who care:
1) earl grey tea
2) honey sticks (hey, only way i could find to send honey without problems)
3) hot chocolate
4) the RENT soundtrack
5) mix cd of songs of 4am....this being the songs we tend to listen to around that time.
6) pixie stix...yay sugar.
7) rpi nalgene bottle (everyone needs nalgenes...especially the nifty new design that the rpi bookstore managed to get)
8) PACKING PEANUTS :) :)

if there was anything else there, me forgets....

Anyway, friday's going to be interesting, I believe Cort's cooking again...as in i told him he is, but he hasn't figured out what he's cooking, which might result in a grocery run tonight/tomorrow (again this week...and by run, i mean walk...) and what else? oh, Cayci's coming to visit...we'll see how that goes, it has all the potential to be a living hell. Hmm...trying to think...it's been a long month already.

And it's nearly the 22nd, which does not make me happy...(i associate bad experiences with the days they happened, and well there kinda was one then)...

so to sum things up, it oculd be better, it could be worse...and i'm far too tired to do much of anything.

*hugs for people i love* (if you don't know if i love you, ask, and get pounced if the answer's yes :p )

~Maurya

Yeah, for those of you Psi U'ers who read this...I've decided to go inactive... I've been thinking about it ever since I realized that I became a brother (sorry, intitation is just one big blur for me...) and I announced i was considering it at the last house meeting...I believe I've made up my mind...Don't get me wrong, I love you all, that's not it.

I've been told by several alumni that people who go inactive rarely ever can or do come back...and i considered this and decided, well maybe that wouldn't be so bad.

so yeah, now to inform the chapter of that...

~Maurya

So, I'm sending a care package to someone, what would you want in a care package if you were to be sent one? (i doubt the person i'm sending it to will read this, so don't get your hopes up guys) I'm really looking for input.

~Maurya